I swallowed a fly, I guess I'll die.
No, but in all seriousness: I don't know why I let sh*t bug me so much...I had a rough weekend and let things get to me badly. Actually I do know why: I just don't have any life tools to get this stuff/negative energy out. I'm working on it though (the sauna and other personal activities related to my own time and well-being) but it's a slow and mundane process. Things get more complicated when you have kids. Time gets more restricted, almost non-existent, for doing your 'own thing' especially when you work full-time and feel guilt-ridden for spending that extra time with your little one who you don't see all day...then spending time with your other half and then trying to throw in some 'alone' time. Seems like the impossible feat if you ask me. Then there's house-work and dishes and laundry...the list never ends. It is a tortuous feeling for most working mothers. And, we women bear this 'guilt' gene so well...it wreaks through our pores.
So, this weekend, I was by myself with Brooklyn (Jody was out of town) and she was misbehaving badly and seemed to be horribly addicted to the TV. She would freak out when I turned the TV off. I had to talk to her sitter today and request an hour a day (a max of 2) of mind-numbing TV. And it was, once again, too cold outside to walk anywhere. I managed to walk with baby girl down the road one morning but realized that the wind was too bitterly cold for both of us, so we only made it to the end of the street. And the sauna is still not up and running. Piss me off severely because this could have been my saving grace (and sanity) this weekend while Brooklyn was napping or something. So instead I ate all my stresses and troubles away. And, surprise, surprise, they are still there. Gross. Hopefully the electrician gets it going today like he said he would.
Anyhoo...my house is a disaster zone, the dishes are piled up to Mars, and making supper everyday, after working all day, seems like the dread of Death himself, to me. Like an ever-increasing anxiety as the day goes on from worrying about what the hell to cook for a picky toddler who, if you are unsuccessful in creating a 'yummy' meal, will dump all of her food on the floor. So why bother washing the floor...? ...or cooking a meal? I don't even eat my supper while she eats anymore because I get too stressed out.
This whole motherhood thing isn't exactly the fairest deal. In most cases it's great and the goods outway the bads totally...like I just can't imagine my life without my little girl so I'll take the stresses that go with it anyways. But this weekend and today; it's harder, it's tougher and it's more complicated than anything and I just feel the need to complain about it (before I eat another god-damn cheese cake!). And most times I feel like I have 2 kids to clean up after (JD also) and not just the one I gave birth to. Half the time, me and JD are not a team in terms of doing the everyday house stuff. Half the time I do everything and THEN SOME! Because I want to be healthy and I want an organized house. If JD was left to do so, we'd have bacon and eggs and smokies and Kraft dinner everyday. This is definitely not what I signed up for!! And he knows that...but that's the sucky part because he doesn't try too hard to fix things because he doesn't know what to do about it. I always have to tell him what to do or to be the one with the solution. I hate that he doesn't figure it out. Men. It just seems like sometimes they are so incapable. Why, why, why do I have to do it all?! Why do I have to think about all the solutions?! Does he really want me to have a nervous breakdown every month?!
But honestly, looking out in the real world and seeing and hearing almost every other working mom out there and feeling the same way that I do...this is, sadly, just the norm. It happens all the time to most modern day mothers. And it's just not fair. No, that is not a whine, it is mearly a statement. It is a fact. And not just my Monday-soaked negativity speaking out.
Don't get me wrong. I love my kid and husband and I love my job. I don't know what I'd do without either and yes, I do want it all. That's not bad. But I do realize that there are sacrifices to be made and that often, you cannot have it all. And mothers end up with the short end of the stick on this one...we make more of these sacrifices compared to our other-halfs. I have come to terms with this; it's just how life is in this day and age...well I've almost come to terms...ok not quite, obviously, but humour me here. Better yet, enlighten me if you can.
I just wish I had money to hire a nanny or better yet, a maid. To cook and clean so that I could make time for my family as well as time to myself. Now THAT would be fair. That almost makes me cry as to how fair it would be!! :'(
But I guess who said life was fair?! Then again, I asked Jody what he thought about things and how he's doing and he's perfectly happy with his little life right now...that's f*cken BS if you ask me...because how can he be so oblivious to my dismays?! I guess because he doesn't feel these burdens and situations like I do, probably because he doesn't feel like I do either. Sometimes I desperately wish I was a guy and didn't care about these things so much. But I hear this is normal across the board...unfortunately for us women.
Why do moms carry so much burden?! And when will this feeling of anxiety end?! I desperately need to figure something out.
Broken and Infinite
2 weeks ago