Brooklyn: Owympics, mommie.
Saturday, August 30
Brooklyn: Owympics, mommie.
Friday, August 29
In terms of eating...am on day 20/21 of 'clean eating'. That's about 94% clean in almost a month! I rock, hehe!
However, am having some stomach issues this week...oy! I've upped my calorie intake to 1800 since Monday so maybe this is my body still getting used to it...let's hope so.
I am at work, but just got word, like 2 sec ago, that we are allowed to leave early at 3pm (in 5 min)...so am going to the gym early so that I can be home earlier! YAY! You just gotta love Fridays like that!! And it's a long weekend too! BONUS!! :D
Monday, August 25
Well, yes for me she's free :P teehee!
She's so great!
She's been giving me hints and tips for the past 2 months now of which I've actually listened. I've decided that I need all the help I can get...so am throwing myself into this with my everything. And letting her tell me what to do and what to eat.
Yeah that's a big revelation for me to do, hehe!
But seriously, I'm ready. I'm just ready to live this life and be fit and healthy. Screw fucken useless diets and screw the fucked up metabolism that comes along with them!!! Yes, my friends, I've been dealing with a hi-jacked metabolism for the past 5 or 6 months or so. Or longer, who knows!! Sis says I am not eating enough and with the workout regime that she has given me I should be eating atleast 1600. ATLEAST. That has been my bare maximum calorie range...I BARELY eat that much on a regular basis!!! And I have barely been losing pounds too. Go fucking figure, right?! Maybe she's on to something with this whole eating thing...
AND, with all the weight training she's has me doing, my ass is about 1/4 less, my stomach is less flubbery/more defined and my legs have a nice muscle tone to them; which NEVER has happened before (the leg part)! So she's getting me to measure myself so that I can also gauge by tape measure instead of just solely the bastard of a weigh scale...after all muscle weighs more, right?! Right. And it also burns more fat while you are just sitting there in front of your computer at work, while blogging on your personal blog ;P
But to be honest...I am all for the fitness and working-out thing. It's just the eating thing that I have been struggling with (well, duh). But with her telling me to eat more; well now, that is just plain confusing. But then again I see her point too. And this whole "maximum range" mentality is so engrained in my brain that I am now feeling brainwashed. I feel like I got duped...because for awhile, yes it did work. It worked brilliantly. But for MANY, MANY (did I mention MANY?!)months now it is NOT.
It all started about 2 months ago...this epiphany and mentality change in me. Counting calories was just not working by itself anymore for me. So I started working out and joined the gym. Good, yes?! Awesome. Sure, but I still wanted to make a lifetime eating habit change...something I can naturally stick to without having to plunk in my fucken daily calorie intake into some software. So I focused on "eating clean". And read about it and looked it up after my sister told me how she maintains her weight (she mentioned 'eating clean' so, naturally, the computer geek that I am, I googled it). This lead me to reading about eating natural foods; lots of veggies, fruits, wheats, meats etc. and to stay away from packaged and processed foods. Which is common sense but c'mon, who actually practices this shizzit, lol?! But it got me to reading about being addicted to sugar. And FOR SURE, I am!!! Well...aren't we all, I guess, hehe?! Soo...I got rid of ALL of our packaged junk in the house and I don't buy it anymore. Our grocery list is full of wholesome, natural items. Treats may come on the weekend at a leisurely but moderate pace. So be it.
But seriously, this has helped me to get a step closer in the 'right' direction of where I want to be, say in 1 or 2 years. And then pretty much how I want to live my life down the road. That doesn't mean not eating ANY sugar, or ice cream or chocolate or wine. It just means limiting myself of those things and 'eating clean' for atleast 90% of my week. I am gradually turning that week into a 90% clean month. And I have to say, my fridge is STILL full from last thursday's grocery haul...and I'm right on budget too!!! Neither of which EVER happens! So it's benefiting more than just my fat, but dwindling ass.
Anyhow, back to my epiphany...even with all these great eating habits and changes that I've made, the weight scale has been ok...but still rather a yo-yo from hell as I have still been eating under 1600 a day maximum. And sis has been telling me softly for the past while that I need to eat more but I kept on saying no. No, that I'll do everything else she says except that. Because that is what I know and that is what I'm used to and what has worked in the past.
The problem is, as I just outrightly realized so boldly (today), is that it just isn't working anymore.
And as such, after realizing said current life situation today, I am just a bag of emotional (but fat) bones. And I've just had it with my fucking bouncing weigh scale acting like it's in the Olympic Gold medal yo-yo class! So I've decided to let my guard down and do whatever sis says. After all, she is the one who is rock-solid just 10 months post-baby (well she may not think she is but I sure am damn impressed!). So who am I to know what the hell my body needs in this urgent time of decreasing my BMI from obese to overweight (which is my current status although it is dwindling on the dotted line of this and obese!), to finally normal...??? I've been getting fat for about 15 years...so that makes me an expert in losing weight?! Uh. I think not. Quite the opposite in fact. Duh.
So! I'm ALLLL in! Count me in and just tell me what I need to do! I'm here and I'm going to fucking do it this time...and maybe then I can also kick this calorie counting obsession/eating disorder that I've just recently (like today) become aware of that I have!! Oy!
Tuesday, August 19
I live directly downstream from this. Just 100km north of all those people in Fort Chip with all the recent and rare cancers. I've heard of fish having 2 tails, 2 sets of eyes etc.; different mutations than this one...
Please remember: so many people around here still live traditional lifestyles and hunt and fish in these land and waters ALL the time! For food!
This may all seem like it's coming straight out of a Simpson's cartoon, but unfortunately for us, it's real life up here. And not from mining and operating nuclear power, but from mining the oil sands of northern Alberta.So. This is what our government is up to around here...mining our lands for the last drop of oil. All the while poisoning the people and the environment. For money.
I guess some people and some governments really do whatever it takes for a bit of cold, hard cash. I just never thought that my own government, Canada's government, would ever stoop so blindly and so low, to this level of blatant carelessness.
And then turning a blind eye to it.
That's the worst possible criminal behaviour of all.
It's just SO sad that our government cannot see the light on this issue. Instead they only see the dollar signs...and in 10 years, when the oil has run out and the people are left to attempt to heal their cancer-riddened health and to reclaim the vast destruction of their backyard land from mining these oil sands...it will SO not be worth it.
It already isn't...for proof of that, just "Google" about all the rare cancers coming about in the extremely small population of Fort Chip (that is NOT normal!).
This topic up here is a HUGE controversy but the Alberta government is large and in charge...and the Feds are either in cahoots with that provincial government or they don't have the balls to shut it down (or to even slow it down). But most likely all of the above...
How is this happening?! How will I explain to my children about what is happening to them, to their family, to their friends, to their land?? Because we are all being affected. And how will I explain that the government just doesn't care about us!? But nothing new around here I guess. Very sad situation indeed.
And where are our proper government leaders when you need them?!
How many mutated animals do we have to show, how many gallons of freshwater do they have to take away from us only to return it back into the watershed system that is laden with toxins and poisons, how many acres of land do they have to rape and pillage and how many people have to die before something RIGHT and RESPONSIBLE gets done?!
Where has our responsible government gone???
The only fight is with the good people now...the people who are directly affected...and those that care about them. To spread the word around about these toxins flowing directly into our system by industry and government who are bedding together. And to create a ruckus. How else are we supposed to get through to our nonsensicle government??
And speak out loud.
Sometimes it is the only way to be heard.
The link to this fish mutation and national news story: http://www.cbc.ca/canada/edmonton/story/2008/08/18/chip-fish.html
Thursday, August 14
Honestly, I prefer them when they are of toddler age (like Brooklyn who is almost 2 right now); when they are walking (running & falling & scraping knees), talking (whining & screaming & favourite sayings are things like "DON'T DO DAT!"), feeding themselves (my personal thoughts on this are "why oh why did I buy that new, IVORY couch before you were born?! Cuz, it's starting to look a disparaging shade of GREY!") and building their own negotiating skills (she is a PRO at temper tantrumming all while throwing herself on the floor screaming bloody murder). But...it is all very funny to me. Of course I don't let her see me laughing and giggling while she is raging on the floor yelling at me. But she's my own little personal entertainer and I guess I like a good challenge ;-)
But lately, too, I've been watching her be sooo happy playing with her little, baby cousin and the other little kids at daycare and listening to her sing her ABC's (she's almost got it all down pat!) and I just want her to have a little sister or brother to be able to play with as she grows up.
Unfortunately. My short-term plans (but thank gawd they are only short-term!) are to head back to school for 4 months in January. Meaning I have to WAIT. I have to move away, all by myself, to the city (1400km away!) to complete my masters degree coursework. There are no other options really. JD will stay here with her to keep his job and to keep her in daycare here (took us 2 years of being on the 'waiting list' of ALL the local dayhome/cares to finally get her in one!) and I will still have my good job when I return. But atleast if I get my coursework part done, I can start working on my thesis, back here at home. Then, just maybe then, after the courses, we can get pregnant!
...and Lord knows that JD is also really wanting another little critter around and that baby girl is turning 2 in less than a month!! There is so much pressure, these days, to spit your babies out one after another so that they are not too far apart in age. And I'm having a hard time lately convincing myself not to relent to that pressure and to just get my coursework done!
So, anyhow, I know that I really just need to focus on finishing this coursework before I do the baby thing again...because after all: having a latcher or being 9 months huge and preggo while attending hard-core classes while being 1400km away from my baby girl, my superhero hubby and my home, can't be the most desirable or comfortable thing. Right.
Wednesday, August 13
But...I did GOOD! I said "no" to the roll of cookie dough that my husband was trying to shove in my face and "no" to a big bag of chips that my 2 yr old had in her own little cart. And I got mostly fruits, veggies, w.w. bread, chicken and all the other normal stuff on my list! Phew!
So I am personally eating all 'natural' snacks this week (gotta practice what you preach!) like a fruit and celery with a small amount of peanut butter. Although I'm allowing myself one little chocolate square per day for a certain fix; trust me that's been cut down too, from 3 to 1. And I am on day 5 of my holiday detox (from junk food and reduction in sugary foods). Day 5 is piddly, but I need to say it out loud so that I can challenge myself to at least double and then triple it this time!! No more holidays or parties to excuse myself from trying to be a healthy granola nut! teehee :-)
Tuesday, August 12
Well, now that is all she asks for!! Driving home from daycare; walking to Mamere and Papere's house (grandparents); and/or eating supper it's: "Mamma, hamsta song, hamsta song!! Pleeeeeease," while tiliting her head sideways, smiling, batting her eyelashes and pleading with me with those innocent, manipulating and beautiful 2 yr old hazelnut-cream eyes at me (snap out of it mommie!).
Honestly, where does she get this from?!
Listening to this little video/song drives me completely BONKERS! I'd like to ram this little rodent with my broomstick! Ahh, shad-up!
But anyways, here it is for you to go crazy over...make sure you play it over and over and over and over and over and....
And hey. You could play it while doing the housechores! Right-o then! ;0)
Well, I'm not complaining...I just had 2 weeks of holidays and it was a blast! The first week was unplanned as my sister came into town for a surprise visit. So I took the extra week off and needless to say, my eating (and drinking-margaritas!) was off...really off. But I didn't gain as much as I thought I might. Only 5.5 lbs as of today (after 3 days back on the wagon). I think all the exercise and weight training really helps the metabolism 'eat it up' better than if I had not been doing that.
So am currently detoxing my body from the junk food of which I'm really addicted to. Boy, your body does some crazy stuff when it gets that crap into it for more than a day or two in a row...tummy torture but so hard to quit it (eating)! My tummy if finally (after 3 days) starting to feel normal again. And the bloating is going down significantly.
So I'm back at it; eating healthy and exercising that is. Gym today and everyday (with a 2 day break weekends). I'm also looking to cut back my sugar this time around especially after realizing how addicted to it I really am. Plus, I don't want my daughter relying on sugary snacks for the rest of her life. I've been feeding them to her too often lately out of not knowing what else to give her but I am in search for new, healthier snack ideas. So those sugary snacks are out the door and natural, healthy foods are in the plan and what I want her to learn from now on. So here we go...again! Just this time, with a new twist ;)
Woohoo!!! I made it with 1 lb loss this week! Hey, with the way things have been going for the past 6 months, I'll take ANY weight loss!!!
I feel like sharing my (boring, haha) weight loss story or background. It helps me to reflect what I've gone through, how far I've come and the mistakes I've made, in hopes that I don't make them again. Here goes:
I was always a chubby girl/teenager. Even in my 20's. But by then I was more up and down and had some 'thin' months. I never really thought about how to eat properly (or healthily I should say) until my early 20's when I tried Slimfast. It worked a little bit but it also made me think about veggies and just plain eating healthy. I kind of went through my university years in limbo and maintained my chubbiness but exercised fanatically in the meantime. I also always ate with my emotions, unaware.
Then in 2005, I was having trouble finding work and got accepted to an overseas internship and left my hubby behind for almost 6 months to go work in Norway. That trip changed my life and my outlook on life. I started counting calories and made an conscious effort to eat healthily and to reduce my binge/emotional eating habits. I became more confident in myself, started wearing make-up and dressing nice (the clothes fit me now!). I returned home for summer and then left my poor hubby again to go to graduate school. I went from 200 to 155, the lightest I'd ever been in my adult life. A total of 45 pounds. I still had a ways to go but was on the right track.
Then I unexpectedly got pregnant when I came home for Christmas...well, honestly me and DH missed each other so much we probably did it on purpose! haha! So after some stresses in grad school, I took a break from it and came back home to work until baby arrived. I did good at first and then at about 5-6 months, my binging habits started coming back and I didn't push them away. I actually remember eating so much each nite that I was literally ready to burst...so uncomfortably full. Not normal. Again, I consider this to be emotional eating. I wasn't used to being around my hubby and wasn't used to being pregnant and still hadn't (obviously) thought of concrete ways to deal with my emotions. However, after having a beautiful baby girl in Sept 06, I started losing weight right away and was doing really good for the first year. By her first birthday, I just had 10 lbs to get back to pre-preggo weight (155). But for some reason, I just let myself go again. I don't really know why...some reasons I can think of may be that I was depressed with my career (I actually got a good job but had my eye on another job that I'd been trying to get for some time and was really getting the run around from it) and living back in a small town. I just wasn't happy with what I had. So I guess I ate away my feelings at this point. By Christmas 07, I had gained back a good solid 10 lbs. January 2 (of course right), I decided that enough was enough and to get back on the weight loss bandwagon. Although, out of initial desperation, I was literally starving myself by not eating enough calories. I think this, in turn, has affected the last 6 months of trying to llose those blasted 10 lbs. It's been a SLLOOOW go but finally, TODAY, I've lost them!!! And the weight seems to be coming off at a more regular pace again, FINALLY!!! I'm so happy!!
I know this may be some mundane stuff for some people out there, but for me it is a revelation, a process...it is my exciting journey to a happier life and a healthier lifestyle with my family.
I still have 10 lbs to get to my pre-preggo weight (and a total of 41 more pounds to go) but I've learned many, many things along the way and struggled with so many things! And to do it the healthy, balanced way is the BEST way that I feel it can be done!! And after this last round of what I feel like was the repairing of my damaged metabolism (c'mon, 6 months to lose 10 lbs, PHEW!), I am truly gonna NIP these weight-loss duties in the BUD! Yah!
Now...I just need to come up with some coping mechanisms for when I get emotional...hmm...something to seriously ponder and then do!
My weight is still showing a lower number today...so I may get some loss this week! Will have to wait until tomorrow...until then I will have a healthiful day .
I have also started to visualize myself as the thinner, preferable version of me every nite before I go to bed. I used to do this every nite during the first time I lost all the weight (years ago just before I got preggo). I think this will help seeing as I am currently finding that I get too 'comfortable' at a certain (current) weight even though I still have about 35 pounds to go. And then, consequently, I ease off on my healthy eating and gain back a few pounds and feel heavier again.
Alas! The yo-yo effect.
It's like I'm psyching myself out of being thin...almost like I feel too scared to get thinner and the attention that comes with it. I remember with the first time I lost all the weight and all the attention I got. For someone who is super shy, that attention can be daunting. This is all pretty funny and so ironic...but really true. Honestly...in the last few months I've caught myself thinking that I shouldn't get any thinner!! Crazy, absurd sub-consciousness!! But I caught it and I'm gonna nip the damn thing in the BUD!! LOL!
The REAL truth is (the reality-based and not the sub-conscious fictions of my mind), that I'm at my wits-end, I'm literally tired of (and from) being thick, chubby and lazy and I'm not that shy anymore these days (having kids definitely helps with that, lol!) so I just don't need to use these lame excuses anymore.
Plus...my health and happiness is first and foremost! And losing these extra 35 pounds will make me a healthier and happier person, without a doubt! Without a doubt at all!! It will be SOOO worth it!
Cheers to that! (with a low-calorie drink of course, hehe)
So my weigh-in's are on Friday's and I am hoping for 1 or 2 pound loss this week. Especially after a ~2 month plateau. Last week I lost 1.5 lbs and I checked today's scale this morning and it was around the 1.5 to 2 lb loss (from last week) so am hoping that today's weight will still be valid until Friday...
But I'm kinda worried because I was feeling sick and sorry for myself yesterday and went off track and ate my misery away. Not terribly so but enough to potentially affect my whole week. But I am still working on how to control my emotions when I get like that. I guess I can only say that I am progressing and that I stopped at 1900 calories rather than the usual 2700...and that I'm trying to deal with these types of emotions rather than eating them away thinking that that's how they'll go away.
One step and day at a time.
I am thinking that maybe this site (NBBC) may be good for me to start journaling my weight loss and everyday stresses which usually affect my weight loss. Or lack thereof. Just because I know, that even in plateau mode, that I cannot give up and journaling may help me overcome the lows of getting healthier.
So I guess this is my first journal entry...I've currently gone from 200 to 167.5 lbs since having a baby. Not bad but my daughter is now 22 months (almost 2) so am really in serious mode as I haven't even got to my pre-preggo weight yet (155).
Regardless, my current and short term goal, since I am mainly a calorie counter, is to NOT have a 'cheat day' for the next 4 weeks (or 27 days when the local festival is here aka as 'girls nite out' for me). I really want to do good. I made it to 25 days in May/June and then things kinda went awry after struggling with the weigh scale (how do you say plateau) and I've let myself 'slip up' for the last few weekends. But I recognize that, and in the meantime am working out 5 days a week at the gym now which has really been helping me.
However, another issue is that I've been sick with a cold going on 3 weeks now and am starting to wonder how to increase my immune system levels (since I've been sick, oh, about 8 or 9 times this year already). So am thinking of buying some echinacea to add on top of my regular daily (well most days) vitamin. I'm just so sick of being sick!
1) Get some echinacea or immune system booster.
2) DO NOT have a cheat day for 27 days (until Aug. 15). Which means staying within my calorie range of 1200-1600.
Wish me luck!